I am writing a book, yes, I said book. At first it was going to be just a collection of poems but then God spoke to me again and I heard “WRITE IT ALL, SHOW IT ALL”, the poems, my story, and include my paintings and my photography. So here is an excerpt. This book will be dedicated to all those who suffer (which is basically the human race), my amazing daughter Grace and to those who have loved me for me and really saw my soul.
I often wonder, oh how I wonder and ponder. OCD will do that. I have discussed with several friends how amazingly beautiful this particular Autumn has been; striking and soul changing. Of course, it is the season of gratitude and for me personally, I have experienced profound change, but I can still see the beauty in all of it. And that is kind of the story of my life; I know I am not alone in that. When I was a little girl and something traumatic happened, it was brushed under the rug, never to be spoken about. I was a very joyful child with the biggest smile and the loudest laugh in any room. I was known for those two traits by my family, my teachers and my peers. One could look at me and think I was experiencing some sort of euphoric existence. But it was just the opposite. I relied on my creativity, imagination and connection to something bigger than myself to survive and I guess for most of my life, I still have.
I don't use social media because I am entirely too sensitive a soul to handle what I see and I'm not interested in facades. I have no idea what is happening in the world, no news or podcasts; I do have to surveillance my teenager, so I have an IG to make sure she is protected, daily checking her TikTok (which I believe is the symbolism of the evil). I also do not have the bandwidth for excessive complaining (got that from my dad!). I'm the person who speaks the truth whether it is scary, pretty, safe or not. I've been wired that way because my father's reactions to me telling a lie when I was little was less than ideal and I will leave it at that. I have a petite frame, and I literally feel it all, just like Feist's song “I Feel it All; God, that is an amazing song. I miss covering that song! Jenny, girl, are you listening? Smile, Laugh. Jenny Walton and I sing some pretty cool covers when we are both well enough and I know that day will come…someday. I got away from my point…we live in a world where leadership, I'm talking about world leadership has influenced society, not all, but for some in such a profound way that people think it is okay to divide and conquer, to silence opinions and to "cancel" you when your perspectives do not align. Jealousy is like a disease in this society and narcissism has become the lay of the land. Power. Fuck power, money and greed. Your power is your JOY. Your power is your PEACE. Your power can never be stolen by negative beings. NEVER. Nobody can steal your joy without your permission. For those of us who are sensitive, connected to the deer, the birds, the trees and plants, the moon, each other…it's a bit harder not to feel it all. The lesson I am teaching my daughter is to pay attention to way you feel in your body. Our mind, spirits and bodies are one, and they are in constant conversation with one another. Let your body guide you to be with those who love and appreciate you for exactly who you are. Not the clothes you wear, the hairstyle you have, or your exterior but the heart that you have, the love that you give, your mind and your spirit. If the number of people can hear and see you for who you truly are, the number of people who don't simply do not matter in your story. It's okay to walk away from a toxic situation to protect yourself. God created you, Grace and you are a masterpiece, his opinion is all that matters. Suffering is inevitable but listening to your suffering is imperative to overcoming it. What is your anxiety telling you?
So, like I said I do not scroll but I did my daily Grace check in IG yesterday and a video of Fiona Apple came up. It was not a new video; it was from 2022, but she was talking about the 30 second rule. What is strange is that I had to do something yesterday that was really hard with little physical strength and I wasn't sure if I'd make it through. Her song, “Extraordinary Machine” came on right as I pulled into a lot I'll never pull into again. I cannot stress enough how much I needed to hear that song. Those lyrics. That reminder. Music is LIFE. Music is life giving, lifesaving, medicine for the soul and for the mind. Fiona, in her words gave me strength to face a place that caused profound and deep wounds as well as triggering the old ones. So, it was very synchronistic that I would see a video of her first pop up in my feed.
As I watched her fragile little being speak words to help others, I not only witnessed her trying to help herself, but I saw myself in her; I saw Corey in her. In one way, it was comforting but, in another way, I thought, I do not want to look like that and I've been close. She explained that she wanted to share this practice that she herself has not been good at sticking to but maybe we could all try it and it may shift the energy of all or help us through these trying times. Then I put something together. I have been listening to her music since I was 16 years old and when I tell you I felt her music on a deep level, I'm talking like it felt like she was taking the words out of my mouth, my mind and my heart. I just connected deeply to her lyrics and melodies and piano work. She looked so unwell in the video. I saw myself in her. It scared me. I decided to look her up online to read about her journey and there it was: Fiona Apple has spoken openly about depression, PTSD, OCD, anxiety, and the impact of childhood trauma on her life and music, describing how these experiences shaped both her struggles and her creative voice. Holy shit, is this everyone's creative experience? Do I no longer have to suffer in silence? We have the same exact diagnosis and reason for creativity. The one difference between us is that I have never turned to alchohol or drugs to ease the pain. If I didn't have immense fear due to having so much of it around me and losing people I love to drugs, I probably would have and I do not judge. Addiction in itself is a disease, just a gentle spirit trying to use what it can to survive a harsh world. I've not spoken openly about my struggles with mental health or how these things have shaped me as an artist prior to this post. I'm shaking as I type. I fear being judged. I fear being seen. I fear being misunderstood but simultaneously, I fear being fake and that is the one thing without a doubt I know I'm not. I've included a link to this video. If you or anyone you know is struggling and are looking for ways to train your brain, check it out:
https://www.instagram.com/reel/CfkWbZtDZKY/?vrfl=azI1eDNybTRqd3Jw
And dont forget, as hard as life and loss can be, there is still so much beauty around us, see it, feel it and remember it. Take a picture if you have to and do not forget you are a part of it all, whether you feel it as deeply as I do or not.
With the deepest love and gratitude,
KP
Happiness awaits us all.